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This morning, I am remembering myself. If you’ve struggled to balance your mental health, you have firsthand experience with a varied sense of self. At the moment of your lowest low you are still yourself, but you are also not you. You are some sadder, more lifeless copy of you, desperately scraping back toward the…
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chronicles with cannabis I’ve been doing well lately keeping my distance from nature’s finest plant. I admire it from afar. I still think about lighting up anytime I feel sad, or angry, or confused, or I’m a little tired, or a little bored, or the weather is nice, or the weather is crappy, or I’m…
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Valentine’s Day has come and gone. My opinion of the holiday has had it’s ups and downs throughout the years, usually tied to the presence of someone to celebrate with. This year, I welcomed the simplicity of it—a day to celebrate love for others, traditionally by way of flowery note. I have a great appreciation…
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What’s the responsibility of the artist painting the picture? There is an old Buddhist parable about some blind guys who come across an elephant. It’s been retold many times, but Wikipedia says the Buddhists were first so that’s who I’m giving credit to. The story is that a group of blind men are hanging around…
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We don’t have a lot of rules in our house. You do have to finish your dinner (well, most of it) to get dessert. You have to keep the floor of your bedroom clean. We don’t allow running in the kitchen, or playing on the stairs. But for the rest of life, we tend to…
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Do you think money does something to the brain? Recently I watched some rich guys talk about all the great work they’re doing for humanity. But they seemed unaware of the humans outside of their tech bubble. It got me thinking there might be some level of net worth that disrupts your connection to reality.…
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Chapter 4 Asher didn’t mind the long walk to the Anthill. She loved walking, her brain settled into a peaceful, melodic rhythm with the sound of her footsteps. The sunlight that morning was pleasant and warm, casting a golden shimmer across the trees giving each crest of leaves a halo. She thought of Penny basking…
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Reality has had a rough go recently, hasn’t it? A lot of people are treating reality like it’s up for debate, like they might be able to convince us that there is some other version of reality with their words alone. I think we’ve been over this—reality is more than words. It’s also more than…
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Chapter 3 Asher awoke as the first rays of light peered through the trees outside of the open doorway. Her night felt too brief, but she was on her feet before she had time to consider sleeping in. Her morning ritual was sacred. She poured herself a glass of water from the full pitcher someone…
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I watched an unsettling movie recently. It was about a murderous, young woman during the first world war. The title character, Pearl, lived and worked on a farm with her strict German mother and ailing father, and dreamed of becoming a dancer in the pictures. I watched it too close to bedtime and ended up…
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Chapter 2 Asher was escorted to the commons by the young guard with all the pockets posted outside of Ren’s study whose name she learned was Midge. Asher had also learned that Midge was gifted in reading the intentions of others. Midge appeared quite proud of being granted a position of such importance given their…
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Chapter 1 Through the edge of the tree line the large, gray building came into view, ivy climbed unkemptly over the north corner. The sun shone weakly through a haze of clouds diffusing the light enough that the full shape of it could be seen clearly with the naked eye. Asher paused for a moment…
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I’ve picked up a stomach bug–a perk of being the mother of an elementary school student in winter. More next week.
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Most of the time I believe in signs from the universe. I believe if you pay close attention, you can find confirmations from the cosmos on decisions you’ve made, or guidance to life’s questions by noticing the signs and synchronicities that pop up around you. I know not everyone believes in this kind of thing.…
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After the Thanksgiving holiday my sister-in-law came by to spend time with her brother and our kids. I asked her what she and her family did to celebrate the day. We chatted for a while and she mentioned she’d noticed that their holiday traditions seemed to change every five to ten years. She was resigned…
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Next week I’ll celebrate my forty-second birthday. I’ve never been much of a birthday person, but this one seems especially mid. It’s not youthful and relevant, or old and wise, it falls into the unexceptional middle. I’ll probably order takeout. I think I feel loneliness more intensely than the other emotions. I can feel much,…
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And I won’t shut up about it Remember when the maze on the back of the cereal box was difficult? I bought my kids a box of Froot Loops, and I ate a few fistfuls the other day when I got the munchies (which happens more often than I care to admit). I spent some…
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Recently, I picked up a copy of Little Altars Everywhere at my local thrift store. I passed it up for a few weeks, but it kept catching my eye. I brought it home to add to my collection, I so love the title. It’s how I kept sight of myself through this crumbling, or how…
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Staying through the raw There is construction directly across the street from the apartment my husband and I share. We’re never in it at the same time. It’s a bizarre way to live with someone. We are separating our lives after 25 years together, and we were in need of a new living situation. I…
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Music and Time I listen to a lot of music. Well, maybe I should say I listen to music a lot. It’s usually the same songs over and over. I’m fond of familiarity. Whenever I drive, fold laundry, or tackle the mess in the kitchen before cooking dinner, I put on my headphones and play…
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One of my favorite mom duties is making costumes for my kids. When they were younger, I made it a month long event, spreading materials out over every work surface in the house, using any free moment to glue on another plastic leaf. When my oldest was too young to decide on his own costume,…
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The complexity of zoning permits I am not able to trust. I know I am supposed to be careful with my words and never say that I can’t do something I want to do so that the possibility remains open in my mind, but on this one I need to be honest with myself. I…
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Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer My philosophy professor recommended a book when I attended his class a few semesters ago. I bought it back then, but it hung around on my nightstand for a while. I’m finally on page 310 of Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer. I understand it’s customary to review a…
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When the only option is digging deep. I was naive when I started therapy. I was sure I could be fixed. I believed I was the problem in each of my relationships. I expected too much. And I had some anger issues I had to work on. I was livid with absolutely everyone. I walked…
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What is free speech? I lost a friend last week. I’m trying not to spiral about it and I’m doing an okay job, I think. She sent a final text that said I had been sharp and dismissive of her and she hoped I understood. I do not understand. It was the first time she…
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this one’s for me I have a propensity for cynicism. I think it’s because I see things for what they are. It’s hard to open yourself to the troubles of the world and not start the calculations. I do fight it. I need to. Cynicism keeps me from my real life. The one I blew…
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Aspirations in waste management Our next door neighbor grows a beautiful flower garden every summer. Around this time of year she usually gifts our family a bright bouquet of all kinds of colorful blooms. My favorite are her sunflowers, that fully saturated yellow makes it difficult to feel depressed. Some of them grow so tall…
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Whenever I see a bug or a small creature, or even a large creature come to think of it—if I see something that is not human—I assume that thing is male with the exception of things that I think of as inherently feminine like flowers or bees. Outside my apartment, I noticed a pansy had…
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What changes in the present when you set your site ahead When we moved into our house nearly two decades ago, it was like stepping into a well-preserved time capsule from the 1960s. The only previous owner was a childless couple. Presumably the wife had a fixation with trendy interior design when the house was…
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Can we govern a country without morals? I hardly feel qualified to weigh in on the role government should play in the morality of it’s citizens (but here I go). My stance is it shouldn’t have a role at all. I think the most elegant addition the founders included in the formation of our nation…
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Camping with kids I bet Socrates was insufferable to be around. If you’re not familiar with the Socratic Method (named after the way Socrates practiced philosophy), he was basically a “Why?” kid. He’d find a willing participant to engage in debate and then he’d question their beliefs relentlessly until they came to an agreement on…
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Tomorrow I will embark on another RV vacation with my kids. This time I’ll be the only adult in attendance and to my recollection (which admittedly isn’t very good) it will be the first overnight adventure I have done on my own with all three of them. The RV enables my hyper-independence. It provides the…
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Death alone is certain I think there’s an expression that goes: nothing is certain except death and taxes. That’s a bit f*cked if you ask me, but no one is (asking me, I mean; no one is asking me). The death part makes sense though, it comes for us all. When I first started writing…
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Is money the answer to everything? I like money. I don’t think there’s anyone who doesn’t in this world. I guess maybe if you have a lot of it, you don’t have to like it. It’s just around you like water in a fishbowl. Do the fish like the water? I do think my reasons…
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It’s going to be a quick one today. First of all, I have no idea what I’m going to write about. Usually by Sunday morning I know the topic and at least one shrewd play on words I want to squeeze in somewhere, but this week I’ve got nothing. Second, I am preoccupied with planning…
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Is it still a thing? My algorithm is full of advice on how to manage my own emotions regarding the behavior of other people in my life. I do tend to get caught in an empathy trap. I try to get inside the heads of other people to understand why they act a certain way…
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An ode to walking around The apartment I rent is directly across the street from an elementary school. Most days I’m here, I sit out on the balcony and entertain myself with the clusterf*ck that is end of day pick-up. There are a few rules for picking up your kid. There’s an established order. There…
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Am I even good enough to have it? I’ve heard that it’s common to view your relationship with God the same way you view your relationship with your parents. I think back to the time a friend asked about my religious beliefs and I told her I was squarely agnostic. I can’t really explain to…
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Looks aren’t everything I was a game to them. One of those little egg-shaped key chains with the creature you care for by beeping its buttons in the right order. You learn to feed it after each playtime to get it to nap. You can’t go too long between baths. After awhile the attention afforded…
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Call a spade a spade I watched a legacy media news program while I ate my breakfast this morning. During the hour with Margaret, I listened to the same wordplay I’ve heard from past administrations (this time obscuring extraordinary crimes, I suspect), I questioned the merits of the next big, beautiful bill with a congressman…
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We should have made that last left A few days ago, I watched a PBS interview with journalist Kara Swisher and at the very end of the talk, it was announced that the administration issued an executive order for the corporation for public broadcasting to freeze federal funding to PBS. I’m not great at identifying…
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the world is always changing This week I went to a weight lifting class that in a past life I attended a few times a week while also raising two small children and forming the youngest one. Back then I worked my way up to the heaviest weight the bar could handle and could hang…
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I feel like celebrating…that’s progress. This day has been hard for the last few years. I’m happy to report this year feels different. Lighter. But because I am otherwise occupied this beautiful Sunday, this semester’s term paper will do double duty here on the blog. The culmination of my ethical education is below. Is Privacy…
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Choosing what’s best long term After witnessing a particularly frustrating government press conference in my corner of the world, I set out this week to write about the difference between freedom of expression and bald head lies. Now, a few days later, my temper has cooled and it seems wiser to devote more than just…
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Let’s talk about hunting witches Recently, I’ve been thinking about the innocent women jailed and then murdered in Salem, Massachusetts. I couldn’t tell you why. That’s sarcasm of course, I can tell you exactly why. What must it be like to be living your life when all of the sudden some man comes out of…
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What do we owe each other? In line at the grocery store, I stood behind an elderly woman purchasing what I imagine were her weekly rations. I do the same thing for myself every other week so I have a good idea what a weeks worth of food for one looks like. She was the…
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What it means to me. I’m off the wagon. I know that off the wagon is the correct usage because I know the origin of the expression. Old-timey do-gooders would go around town, round up all the drunks, and load them onto a wagon to take them to a church basement to sober up. Some…
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Why we should feel sorry for Rumpelstiltskin. Back when I was in design school, one of the most painful critiques was “The idea is there, but…” That feedback meant I see what you‘re going for, but you’ve ruined it with your choices. Recently, I listened to a BroPod where two influential men discussed a two…
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What’s it to you? I’m around the halfway point in Ethics this semester and it’s time to start making decisions about registering for any Fall courses. Honestly, I’m considering giving up. It’s been a discouraging week for me as a vagina owner. In class on Monday, we covered the Ethics of Care. It is widely…
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On recording history Spring has arrived. Nothing against winter, but it sucks and I hate it. The place looks dead and having cold feet makes me feel unnecessarily aggressive towards everything. I welcome the warmer weather even if it comes along with itchy eyes and a box of tissues. We’re not quite there yet, but…
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The state of the union Every Monday and Wednesday I drive the short distance to my community college to study Ethics. Its a diverse group of students, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to learn from a variety of perspectives. As a class, we discuss right, wrong, and in-between. The course is a highlight of…
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What’s the opposite of teaching to the test? Almost every week after bagel breakfast with friends, I head to the thrift store to scour the book section for anything interesting. They have a deal that is buy four books, get the fifth one free that serves as both a challenge and a good stopping point.…
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Preaching to the choir Recently, I watched a PBS special on the Gilded Age with my nine-year-old. I started the documentary twice before but both attempts were at night, and while I always appreciate the quality content PBS provides, this documentary was one with a mild-mannered narrator and a lot of the same images slowly…
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When you don’t need words to convey meaning. We all know what that means, don’t we? Do what you can to help, but make sure you take care of yourself during this time. We don’t need to explain it. The time is what it is. We are living it together. If you’re not heartless (in…
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What‘s all this growth for anyway? For a few years now “learn how to garden” has been about two-thirds of the way down my to-do list. I’m not specifically interested in gardening, but my anxious hallucinations have me believing it’s a skill I might need in the future. It feels responsible to be prepared. Unfortunately,…
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Its never just one roach. A few days ago a friend and I took our sweater-clad dogs for a brisk walk around our neighborhood. A good walk is one of my favorite activities and walking with someone who’s company I enjoy helped offset the sting of my nose and cheeks in the frigid temperature. She…
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A mirror broke in my apartment. I was out when it fell. I came home to the pieces scattered across the floor outside my bedroom closet. One of the perks to living alone is that there’s no rush to clean up your messes. You’re the only one affected by them. I let the mirror pieces…
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Winter is here. I’ve been listening to a lot of music during this transitional time in my life. I’m actually pretty basic in terms of taste. I don’t know much about tempo and bridges and measures and other music related words. I listen to find solace in lyrics; the poetry. Florence and the Machine is…
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this one’s about the big “D” When I first started sliding into my depression, I noticed my partner trying to cheer me up after I casually mentioned something I considered to be a matter of fact. I would give a simple summary of some phenomenon in a way that usually combined and explained some far-reaching…
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once you pop, you can’t stop Yesterday my kids and I watched Frozen as a low-effort celebration of the solstice. The movie has a special place in my daughter’s heart. The solstice has a special place in mine. We made it to the darkest day of the year. The sun is on her way. Frozen…
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what is ordinary forgetting? Lately I’ve been ruminating on memory. It’s the holidays, I guess. I used to be ashamed of my disinterest in the holiday season. The consumerist slant and emphasis on time spent with extended family left me feeling alienated. I’d put on a show for everyone else and keep my disdain for…
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Waste not, want not I made a promise to myself to write every week and I have kept it. However, this week I spent the weekend writing a term paper for my philosophy 101 class. So, as promised dear readers, a Sunday writing. What is the value of philosophy in the contemporary world? Wisdom derived…
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Who fashions the tools? Last week I attended a birthday party for a ten-year-old friend of my youngest. I passed the time talking with the other adults who were there with their own ten-year-olds. A friend asked me what my plans were for the holiday. It’s just us, I answered simply. People usually know not…
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What it is to think about people who aren’t you I’m a people pleaser. That’s the catchy moniker that the mental health machine appointed for the people who care about the happiness and comfort of other people. Personally, I’m of the opinion that caring about other people isn’t all that bad. Just yesterday, I saw…
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what is it good for? Recently I chose myself. Choosing myself felt a lot like something I am not allowed to do. But after I realized exactly who I wanted to be, I didn’t care whether I was allowed. I was going to be it because it felt wrong to be anything else. That meant…
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When your intimates are on display
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There are two sides to every coin On Tuesday I’ll be back at the polls again. Sometime in the last few months, I’ve misplaced my rose colored glasses. My spine feels weary in anticipation of the long day on my feet operating the democratic system. It’s not so much the system that makes me weary,…
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What’s going on with men? Walking out of the hardware store a few weeks ago, I faced an older, bald man wearing shorts and a baggy t-shirt on his way in. I made a move to walk around him when he stopped dead in his tracks. “Did you forget your smile in there?” I don’t…
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I didn’t know how I knew how to train my dog. That was the thing that triggered the cascade. How was I training my dog? It was a snarky comment from a friend that turned me on to the question of how I was able to train her at all. Our friendship was strained at…
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I love the quality of light After a night of snow Blue and yellow Blended through magic water Beauty is here for you to unpuzzle Fractals upon fractals of it Beauty… and turtles all the way down
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Its impossible to deny that something will happen next month after our election has happened. I’ve been systematically numbing myself over it for years (since the last election, I suppose). Positive thinking is not my strong suit and my unmedicated mind can run away with my sense of peace. It’s catching up with me now.…
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How do you verify your humanity? About this time last year, I found a piece of forgotten Halloween candy on the ground while Ink and I were out for a walk. It is something like a large smartie, and on each side it has a word etched in the surface. One side reads proud and…
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Arguing with God I respect math. It’s not my strongest suit, but I have a great appreciation for the reliability. For example, I know that if I measure the length of my wall, walk into a store and order a couch that fits those measurements; when the “white glove” delivery service arrives with my couch…
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You have to trust something. I trust myself. I trust that I know what is safe for me to participate in and what is a risk. I like a little risk. I like a little too much risk. A problem I struggle with daily. I hope to arrive at a balance. For example I wrote…
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proof is in the pudding Nothing happens in a vacuum. I can’t pick one fight because, you see, they are all related. F*ck the f*cking f*ckers. Elon Musk said he would put a baby in Taylor Swift. He wrote it as if that’s what she was asking for all along. As if that’s the message…
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Two birds with one stone I’ve been attending weekly dates with a couple of friends for over a year now. It might be close to two. Each Tuesday morning, we meet at a locally-owned shop for coffee and bagels. It is a highlight in my week. Deb works at the bistro, and every Tuesday she…
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On new beginnings This week is a big one. Everyone in my family is returning to school. My partner is teaching, the kids are each starting their respective next grade levels, and I’ve enrolled myself in a Philosophy 101–a subject I was interested in the first time around, but everyone told me it wasn’t worth…
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Today, I’d like to write about my dog. I named this blog after her actually. I wrote about how we got her back when this was on Substack. At the time she was a puppy, and for anyone who has never raised a puppy, they quite literally are your life for those first few years.…
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The importance of holding on to things I love the library. One of very few memories of my childhood is the way I felt standing inside my hometown’s bookmobile that drove down my street every so often. I’d pass through the accordion door and walk up the carpeted steps into a large van lined with…
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I just hope both teams have fun Every two years, my family and I watch a lot of Olympic coverage on TV. My partner is a big fan of the games. I wouldn’t know when they were happening if it wasn’t for him because I don’t typically follow any sports news. Over the years, it…
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When you sit and appreciate the sunrise, you’re appreciating the rotation of the globe in space. You are slowly spinning to the front of the show—the most miraculous view you will ever see—and every time it is different. The light hits everything so uniquely. The energy that comes from the sun can go directly into…
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If anyone’s curious… This morning, I stood in my bedroom looking out the window in the direction of the rising sun. While I marveled at the beauty of light through trees, I thought a lot about what was happening to my eyes. How I learned in grade school that the pupil dilates to mitigate the…
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Jenny Jenkins lives on Octopus Avenue just outside of Topeka, Kansas. Her purple house stands tall at the end of a narrow lane. It’s an old Victorian which is remarkable for Kansas considering all the tornados. Perhaps it was because the house sat at a high point of elevation for Kansas, 40 feet. Jenny inherited…
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Wild hearts can’t be broken Suddenly, I feel as if I remembered a part of myself that I knew I had forgotten. There is an ocean of words inside me, all fighting to be the first to crash. As a result, nothing does. I wait. I watch. I hope for a peaceful outcome. Isn’t that…
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And the lessons we learn along the way. There was a time when I when I could get it up for a clean baseboard. The grit of diving in and fully committing to get your elbows dirty. Is that the expression? Those days are long gone now. I mean, would I love if they were…
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There’s nothing like pointing to a page All three of my children attend public school. I feel very meh… leaning yikes about it, but we don’t have the thousands of dollars needed to move them into private schools. There are some affordable private schools near us, but they usually require a side of tithe which…
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A lesson on growth This weekend is a busy one for us. The start of summer is a busy season for every parent of school-aged children. At the end of the school year, we congratulate ourselves for making it through nine months of impossible feats of scheduling and logistics with the granddaddy of them all.…
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Today we spent Memorial Day with family. Spending time with others has been difficult for me lately. There’s something about a lengthy battle with your own mind that really puts the rest of life’s tribulations into perspective. I have so much. I find myself easily irritated with others for being normal people talking about normal…
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Last night my father showed up unannounced at my daughter’s dance recital. I have asked my parents repeatedly to let me or my partner know if they planned to come into contact with my children. This is not the first time this rule has been broken. I told him that if he could not respect…
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What it’s like to be a woman tw: I mention the reality of sexual violence During the pandemic I took up walking around my neighborhood. What started as an escape became a choice activity. I’ve grown to really enjoy admiring my neighbor’s lawn ornaments and their well-tended gardens. On days I can afford the time,…
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Lessons of the sunk cost fallacy. One thing that makes my heart happy is turning off my wifi while I write so they can not interfere in my process of telling the truth. I realize this is a tad on the tin foil hat side of thought, and that really, we are all already on…
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Part of the Problem Solvers Series There is nothing more annoying than a problem identifier. You’re sitting there spinning 4 plates and the chubby cheeked kid in the front row points out you dropped the fifth one awhile back. This week I attended election judge training for the primary coming up in my state. I…
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feel the fear and do it anyway. The weather is beautiful…
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I’ve been escaping some uncomfortable emotions lately. I’m mostly using pot to numb them, but I’ve been known to eat a feeling or two. Refined sugar seems to activate brain signals in a way that feels soothing, albeit short-lived. For the past two weeks I have stuffed myself with whatever cheap sugar was nearby because…
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The Audacity of Men If you’ve seen the Barbie movie, you heard America Ferrara perform her monologue on the absolute paradox of womanhood. After what seems like an endless list of conflicting requirements for women, she is at a loss for what to do about it. It’s difficult to know where to land on the…
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Rewards of slow playing life Last week I set out to accept my first and second tattoos. I wanted to get one by my fortieth birthday and it has only past by one month and a day, so I’m counting it. I attempted to get one on my actual birthday, but the artist I spoke…
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Existing in a world of wars I started meditating during the pandemic because it was the only thing I could think to do. I found myself drawn to meditation tracks featuring Buddhist principles and I often choose those now, when my mind is racing and I feel I would benefit from a bit of meditative…
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As if joy weren’t strewn all around Our Christmas Eve tradition is watching The Polar Express. Most people I know who’ve seen it, can’t get past the know-it-all character. It’s a fair point, the kid is absolutely insufferable. But, I think it’s an otherwise underrated Christmas movie. The animation style is the perfect bridge between…
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Is this one of those things where everyone turns to the right? When there are no ground rules for social conduct, who is responsible for the way things are? If there are no rules to break, how are disputes settled? I can’t believe what I am about to type–we could all learn a lot from…
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When Britney really hit her stride, and they did her wrong. I celebrated a big birthday a few days ago. I am 40. This year, a couple of close friends gave me very thoughtful gifts that I was not expecting. I’m uncomfortable with the idea that people want to do nice things for me simply…
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I was in college when Facebook first became a thing. In the early days, one could only acquire an account with an .edu email address. At the encouragement of a few friends, I signed up just a few months before they updated this policy and the entire world was allowed to join. Remember the “poke”…
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I needed a little breathing room. I’m hoping to stick to at least once a week posts here, too.
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Life with ink 